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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26178193">No Longer a Danger (to himself or others)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeotheLionathefootofOrion/pseuds/LeotheLionathefootofOrion'>LeotheLionathefootofOrion</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Flashbacks, Food &amp; Feeding, Food Issues, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Neglect, Sickfic, Starvation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:28:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,614</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26178193</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeotheLionathefootofOrion/pseuds/LeotheLionathefootofOrion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Illumi returns from a mission to find Hisoka in an unfamiliar state. Food, hugs and a small amount of healing ensue.</p><p>—</p><p>Hisoka quirked his lips into a smile. “I love you too Illumi.” He said under his breath. “Oh dear. I know you mean what you say but I really am supposed to be the put together one in this relationship.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>332</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>No Longer a Danger (to himself or others)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title shamelessly stolen from Graceland Too by Phoebe Bridgers.</p><p>Please be advised that there are themes of disordered eating and starvation in this fic. If these things trigger you, be careful.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn’t the first time that Illumi had found Hisoka passed out cold the middle of their apartment, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. Illumi had his fair share of fainting too, whether it was induced by blood loss or other injury. It was a part of parcel of their relationship: patching each other’s wounds and not getting too worked up about the blood stains on the carpet.</p><p>Illumi had been away for 10 days on a family job. Kalluto had joined him, it had been almost pleasant. But he’d looked forward to coming home. He hadn’t, however, expected to find his husband’s prone body collapsed and curled in on itself next to the bathtub. As far as he was aware Hisoka hadn’t been scheduled to fight anyone. As he assessed the scene Illumi found no particular sign of blood or external injury. All he could tell was that Hisoka was two shades paler than usual. As Illumi bent down at his side, he began to stir out of unconscious and shake violently. Illumi did not find this encouraging.</p><p>“Lumi.” Hisoka said, lifting his head off the floor long enough to look Illumi in the eyes. “You’re back. ‘M so... cold.” </p><p>Illumi caught his head before it could slump back down. His skin did seem cool to the touch, which was extremely odd. Hisoka always ran like a furnace. His muscles seemed uncooperative and weak - he couldn’t support himself, although he hadn’t passed out again.</p><p>“What’s the matter, Hisoka? Are you sick?” He squeezed Hisoka’s shoulder to try and illicit some response. Hisoka shook his head heavily. His hair was hanging down, limp and unkempt.</p><p>“I had... an interesting week.” Hisoka muttered. “Couldn’t seem to stop dreaming. Called some people, they didn’t want to fight, didn’t want to bother you... I... can’t remember how the time passed. Thinking about the past. It’s a dangerous game, Lumi, and I lost.”</p><p>Illumi hauled Hisoka upright, if only stop him talking for a moment. His skin was grey, a darker shade only around his bloodshot eyes. Illumi put together the facts in his head, one after another. Deduction wasn’t his strong suit, but with Hisoka Illumi could work almost anything out.</p><p>“When was the last time you drank?” He said urgently. Hisoka looked puzzled, then pointed at the bathroom sink. “Yesterday. Here. Before...” He pointed at the ground and then at himself.</p><p>Illumi let out a shaking breath. “Before you fell. Alright. And food. When was the last time you ate food?” He squeezed Hisoka tightly, pulling him closer. He felt weakened, a dead weight without any ability support himself at all. Hisoka lifted his left hand and, fighting against a violent shaking, held out 5 fingers.</p><p>Five days since he had eaten. Illumi swallowed down a wave of bile in his throat. At least he had an explanation for Hisoka’s condition: with a diagnosis he could provide a cure. Hisoka whimpered softly and lifted his arm again, this time putting it around Illumi’s neck in a search for comfort. Illumi bit his lip and held him close, trying to warm his body just a little bit. He had never dealt with this before. Hisoka’s little madnesses were mostly under control; he did everything he could not to expose Illumi to his pain. Illumi wondered how long this particular wound had been festering under the surface.</p><p>He gathered Hisoka up in his arms and lifted him, trying not to even judge whether he felt lighter than before. Hisoka rested his head in Illumi’s neck, breathing quietly. He seemed docile, like a child. It was one of the most disturbing things Illumi had ever seen. As Illumi deposited Hisoka on their bed his curled in on himself and clutched at his stomach. He seemed to be in pain. Illumi wasn’t at all surprised - he half sprinted across the apartment to fetch a glass of lukewarm water.</p><p>Hisoka pursed his lips and shook his head at the sight of it. Beads of sweat were gathering on his forehead. “No, no. I’m not thirsty.” He croaked. His hands were clenched in the fabric of his tank top. Illumi put the water down and climbed onto the bed with him.</p><p>“You have to drink. I know you don’t want to. But if you don’t, I will be forced to call Kalluto and ask him to bring an IV drip.” He eased Hisoka’s body as he spoke, until he was upright enough to drink, supported by Illumi’s own body.</p><p>“No drip.” Hisoka whispered. “I’ll drink.” He opened his mouth as if to demonstrate, showing Illumi his pale, dried up lips. Illumi was familiar enough with the effects of acute starvation. He had been trained to go without food and water. He knew that the process of bringing Hisoka back to his usual self would painful and extended.</p><p>Hisoka swallowed a mouthful of water and immediately went back for more, until Illumi stopped him with a gentle hand. “Slowly. Your body will reject it, otherwise.” And Hisoka acquiesced to the slow pace, as obedient as Illumi himself. It was faintly bizarre and by the time the water was gone, Illumi was almost ready to cry. To see Hisoka so reduced to this was more than he could bear.</p><p>“We will wait to see if you can keep that down. If you can’t, it will have to be the drip.” Illumi murmured, tucking Hisoka’s hair behind his ears. “Can you talk in the meantime?”</p><p>Hisoka clenched his arms around his stomach, protectively, and curled himself as much as he could into Illumi’s lap. His weakness forced him to lean entirely on Illumi’s chest. At least this seemed to warm his body slightly. He seemed to know what Illumi meant by “talk”, because there was a long silence before he spoke.</p><p>“I never had enough to eat. Never felt used to eating. Never felt right about eating. So used to seeing people die because they were starving. I always wanted something to fill the hole. To kill... because I was empty. Thought I was empty because I was hungry. But it was more.” He was mumbling, barely making sense, but at least he was conscious. “When I dream its so real. I feel my ribs under my hands, so fragile. I reach inside myself.”</p><p>Illumi watched as he pushed his hands under his top and closed his eyes. “I’m so afraid of being hungry but it is the only part of the past I can cling to. It’s all I remember. No mother, no father, only the emptiness. Sometimes...” Hisoka’s breath hitched and Illumi realised that he was crying. “I miss being hungry. When I was hungry I had a chance to be human.”</p><p>Illumi stroked a hand through Hisoka’s hair and watched him sobbing silently. He knew that this was the one and only time that he would ever see this. Hisoka would never show this side again. It was beautiful in a horrifying kind of way. Illumi tried to take in every detail of it. Slowly, Hisoka began to sob himself into silence, burying his face in Illumi’s chest. When he was finally quiet Illumi tilted his chin up and looked into his eyes.</p><p>“You may be a killer, a sexual deviant and walking-talking disaster zone, but you have always been human. You know that, deep down. You do not have to do this to yourself ever again. Promise me you won’t.”</p><p>Hisoka’s eyes were rimmed with pink and shadowed with an almost purple hue. It was more extraordinary than any makeup he had ever used. Slowly, he blinked, and looked into Illumi’s eyes with a terrifying devotion. “I promise I won’t do this to myself. Promise I won’t do this to you.” He croaked. Illumi swallowed hard and nodded sharply before looking away. He didn’t intend to cry over Hisoka, now or ever.</p><p>“Good. I expect you to stand by that promise. Now, I’m going to find you something to eat. Don’t fall asleep while I’m gone.”</p><p>Illumi didn’t close his eyes on the way to their kitchen because he couldn’t bear to imagine Hisoka’s small, child-body, crushable and white on the dirty streets. He couldn’t imagine how many times Hisoka had been on this brink of madness and physical decrepitude before. He didn’t want to think about it, so he filled his mind with mashed potatoes, multivitamins, eggs and cheese.</p><p>Hisoka’s nose twitched at the smell. The hot mashed potatoes, the scrambled eggs and the soft fruit Illumi had gathered into a meal seemed to call to him and repel him all at once. Illumi set the tray of food down with a second glass of water and pulled Hisoka carefully into his lap. His skin prickled with cold and he leaned into the warmth with a soft whine.</p><p>“You will only be able to eat a little. I think you will probably avoid refeeding syndrome, as you went five days without food and you had access to water during that time. But I want to be careful. The potatoes will be good for you, but only a little bit at a time...” He realised that he was rambling and quickly picked up the spoon with a small mouthful of potato on it. When he pressed the spoon to his lips Hisoka whimpered and squirmed.</p><p>Illumi fed him until he was afraid that more would be dangerous. Hisoka seemed on the verge of sleep, chewing lethargically. He didn’t complain when Illumi put the food tray on the floor. He lay down under the blankets, quiet as he tucked him into the warmth. When their eyes met he looked exhausted and utterly diminished. “It hurts.” He whispered.</p><p>Illumi remembered the clenching pain in his stomach and wondered how many hours Hisoka had spent with the ache clawing at his insides. How many torments had he endured, similar to Illumi’s childhood of harsh training but oh so pointless and unnecessary? What did it take to turn a child into a monster? </p><p>He crawled into bed behind Hisoka and spooned him as closely as he could. They both sighed in harmony as Illumi’s hand traced a firm and purposeful circle over Hisoka’s stomach, over and over. “All will be well, and all will be well. And all manner of things will be well.” He murmured. Some old proverb, familiar from his childhood. Hisoka sighed softly and dropped into a fragile sleep. Illumi watched him and measured the depth of each breath until all he knew was the gentleness of breathing and the certainty of Hisoka’s life.</p><p>After a few hours had passed, he texted Kalluto. He was still in the city and quickly agreed to bring over the medications which Illumi requested and deemed necessary for Hisoka’s recovery. Kalluto made an excellent courier. He knew better than to ask questions and his eyes held a kind of confidentiality that Illumi knew he could trust. He wondered faintly if he, and the rest of the family, had underestimated little Kalluto. Perhaps he was the most capable of them all.</p><p>Hisoka slept for more than ten hours. His breathing remained even and his skin took on a slightly pinker hue as the sleep, the food and the blankets kept him warm. Illumi watched over him as he had once watched over his baby siblings: quiet, unblinking and terrified. </p><p>When Hisoka woke up he grimaced and took a heavy breath. He stared up at Illumi like he wasn’t sure how he came to be there. Illumi knew the feeling; the entrapment within the past that made everything dissolve into fog. He tried to smile (he thought it might help), but that had never exactly been his strong suit.</p><p>“Illu.” Hisoka said. He shuffled around and tried to sit up. Illumi didn’t try to stop him. “I thought...” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I thought.” He pulled his knees into his chest and crossed his arms, staring at Illumi thoughtfully. “I apologise. You shouldn’t have had to see that.”</p><p>Illumi relaxed slightly. Hisoka’s attitude was subdued but he was clearly back in his usual headspace. “It isn’t important. You have done the same for me many times, in different ways. Our marriage may not be... typical. But I believe in our partnership strongly enough to care for you when you need it.”</p><p>Hisoka quirked his lips into a smile. “I love you too Illumi.” He said under his breath. “Oh dear. I know you mean what you say but I really am supposed to be the put together one in this relationship.”</p><p>Illumi wrinkled his nose at the implication. If Hisoka was the sane one, what did that make him? “Well you promised that it would not happen again, and I trust you to keep to that. So this conversation is unnecessary: I was happy to help you.”</p><p>Hisoka nodded and leaned back into the headboard. “It won’t happen again. For one thing, I feel like complete and utter dog shit right now and it isn’t an experience I’m keen to repeat. Lord knows how I put up with this on a regular basis in my youth. No wonder I turned out a mess.”</p><p>Illumi hummed and handed him a half full glass on water with some of the strengthening medication provided by Kalluto. “I experienced something similar during my training, but not to the same extent as you, I think. My body has been conditioned to go without sustenance but I always had the knowledge that it would be over and I would be able to return to a healthy diet. I do remember that the pain was... unpleasant.”</p><p>Hisoka swallowed his pills and finished off the water. “Unpleasant. Yes. I’m so hungry I could scream but the thought of food makes me want to die. Not an experience I would recommend.”</p><p>Illumi produced a bowl of fresh soft fruit from beside the bed and handed it over. “You had better eat little and often until you feel normal.” He said, feeling as though he was talking unnecessarily. Hisoka knew what he was doing better than Illumi did, after all.</p><p>“How was your trip?” Hisoka asked, nibbling at a raspberry. The juice stained his lips and returned them to their usual pink colour.</p><p>“It was successful. Kalluto makes an excellent partner. He sent his regards to you. Apparently the troupe have decided to return to Meteor City for a while, so he has decided to return to the Estate briefly. I suspect that my mother will find as many ways as she possibly can to make him stay there.”</p><p>Hisoka chuckled softly. “He’s talented. I’m sure Kalluto will do exactly what he wants and whatever makes him happy. He has an independence that makes him stand out in your family. Even Killua has his codependency issues, though they seem to centred firmly on Gon.”</p><p>Usually, Illumi would have shut down any conversation about his siblings with Hisoka. But he was too tired and relieved to complain or start an argument. “I was thinking something similar earlier today. Kalluto will go far.”</p><p>Hisoka watched him carefully and put down his near empty bowl of fruit. “Come here, baby-doll. You look exhausted. I don’t suppose you’ve slept in ages.” He extended his arms. They still seemed weak and Illumi identified a slight tremble. But Hisoka’s gaze was steady and his body emanated its usual warmth, which had to be a good sign. Illumi crawled up the bed and curled against Hisoka’s torso in the circle of his arms.</p><p>“There, there, sweetheart. It’s all over now. I’m sorry I put you through it.” Hisoka murmured, dropping a kiss on Illumi’s forehead. It seemed wrong that he should be apologising so Illumi pressed a kiss to his shoulder in return. “But I’m glad you were here.” Hisoka spoke again after a few minutes of silence. “I would have survived that, even if you hadn’t come. But I’m so glad you did. There is nothing so terrifying as being alone, and I’ve been alone for far too long.”</p><p>Illumi nodded silently. He ran his hand to Hisoka’s stomach, finding it slim and toned as usual, twitching beneath his fingers. Hisoka wasn’t ticklish but he was sensitive to gentle touches. Illumi made his thumb drag firmly into the muscle until he felt something inside Hisoka relax. </p><p>“You’re not empty inside.” Illumi whispered. “You might have been once but not any more.” He knew what lurked inside Hisoka: rage, malice, desire and destruction. And buried underneath it all a fierce kind of love that Illumi found himself lucky enough to receive. Possibly he was the only person who ever had, or ever would, see that side of Hisoka. He was content with that.</p><p>Hisoka hummed quietly, brushed his fingers through Illumi’s hair and seemed to ponder the words for a while. “To tell you the truth, I always feel hungry. Never starving anymore, just hungry. A sort of itch that never goes away. I’ve learnt to ignore and satiate different kinds of hunger, which are more easily solved. I think you’re right, about me not being empty anymore. Part of surviving is learning to fill the hole with whatever you can and I think we’ve both done that in our own ways. We have to make our peace with our choices.” </p><p>The thought of Hisoka being hungry at all made something scrunch up inside Illumi’s chest. The caregiver in him, which usually sprung out only in response to his siblings, rose to the surface. He traced Hisoka’s ribs in the places he could find them. “I refuse to believe that you are the functional one in this relationship, since you seem to be physically crippled as well as mentally and emotionally.” He said, knowing that it would make Hisoka laugh.</p><p>He did laugh, eyes crinkling with real mirth. And he seemed to enjoy the touches to his stomach because he squirmed until Illumi resumed his slow, circular journey over the warm skin.</p><p>“How do you feel?” He asked eventually. He could tell that Hisoka felt better - it didn’t seem possible that he could feel worse after all that. Illumi wouldn’t usually have even asked, but he felt heavy with a kind of emotion that refused to go away. Hisoka stretched and his joints popped in several places. Evidently his body wasn’t used to being so still. Illumi couldn’t remember the last time they had just sat, still and silent in each other’s company. Even their shared nights were full of rolling passion and twisting dreams.</p><p>“Better.” Hisoka said, kissing Illumi’s bare neck. “It’s so much better with nen. Recovery is so much easier. I’ll be back to normal in no time, if I can pop straight back from death itself then I can cope with this. Especially with all the attention you’re giving me... Actually this is making me think I should fall ill on a more frequent basis, if this is the treatment I’ll receive.”</p><p>Illumi swatted at him with less force than usual. “I’m not having sex with you now, so stop even trying to flatter you way into my underwear. 12 hours ago you were lying on the bathroom floor with your head almost in the toilet. I won’t be forgetting that sight in a long time.” Truly the sight that Illumi wouldn’t forget was that of Hisoka’s tears, his pallid lips and his twisted body. He didn’t have the strength to say those things out loud. Hisoka only sighed dramatically and picked up the packet of saltines Illumi had placed on the nightstand.</p><p>“You’re making a mess.” Illumi grumbled, irritably brushing crumbs off the sheet. “Give that to me.” He made Hisoka sit up against the headboard and straddled his thighs, ignoring the amorous glances he offered in return. “Here, now you can stop getting crumbs in the sheets.” He muttered, holding the first cracker to Hisoka’s lips. He seemed surprised by the gesture, taking a tentative bite before going forward in earnest, and finally licking Illumi’s fingers clean.</p><p>“I love you too, Illumi.” Hisoka said for the second time that evening, although Illumi hadn’t made any mention of love at all. Hisoka seemed pretty pleased with himself. He held onto Illumi’s hips and rubbed his thumbs into the small of his back. A faraway look had entered his eyes and he smiled peacefully without flashing his teeth. Illumi decided privately that he liked this side of Hisoka - just a little bit helpless but whole and a force of nature all the same. By the time the crackers were finished with Illumi had a faint smile on his face and Hisoka looked immovably satisfied.</p><p>“I’ll order something in for us to eat later.” Illumi tried to seem stoic, wiping the crumbs from his hands carefully away from the bed. “Perhaps if you get a hot meal and some rest, you won’t feel quite so hungry anymore. For now, at least.” Perhaps it was wishful thinking but it seemed important to try. Hisoka smiled and pulled him a little bit closer, into the proper kind of hug they rarely shared. He seemed faintly amused - the prospect of Illumi fixing him with a meal and a quiet night in was quite ridiculous after all. Hisoka was irreparable in body, mind and soul.</p><p>But to Illumi, he was irreplaceable too. The steady heat of his body and the beat of his heart. The thrum of his pulse and his clawing, desperate need. Illumi intended to preserve them until it was impossible to continue. He was damned if he would ever let Hisoka go hungry, while he was still around.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments truly feed my soul.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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